laugh and be merry's Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
laugh and be merry's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Monday, May 7th, 2007|
|Tuesday, May 1st, 2007|
Current Mood: giggly
|Monday, February 19th, 2007|
|Monday, January 1st, 2007|
|Monday, November 27th, 2006|
|Monday, November 6th, 2006|
|Sunday, October 15th, 2006|
oh noes, the news!
here is a description of the carnage of a recent hawaiian earthquake:
Boulders fell on highways, rock walls fell down and television sets were knocked off stands, Governor Lingle said.
meanwhle, here's comfort:
Don Blakeman, a geophysicist at the US National Earthquake Information Center, said there was no risk of a Pacific-wide tsunami... "But you never know about these things." http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6053796.stm
|Friday, March 31st, 2006|
|Saturday, February 11th, 2006|
|Monday, July 11th, 2005|
|Monday, May 23rd, 2005|
|Friday, May 20th, 2005|
Creation Story (e-mail fwd from my mom)
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and
red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with
that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from
size 6 to size14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and
named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"
And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God
sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.
Thought for the day ....... There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
|Friday, March 18th, 2005|
Golf in Ireland
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see....well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief, "I don't want anything , I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three! things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
And so he did.
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!", responds the Leprechaun in shock, "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." Current Mood: going to hell
|Tuesday, March 8th, 2005|
I wish I had such fantastic iconskillz. Current Mood: impressed
|Wednesday, January 26th, 2005|
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did . Current Mood: punny
|Monday, December 6th, 2004|
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
|Sunday, November 28th, 2004|
|Wednesday, November 24th, 2004|
i know a lot of these are election-related, but umm i'm lazy and didn't get around to posting them til now. hence the huge backloghttp://www.audiostreet.net/
the return of mp3.comcute gameshigh magi for bush
. creep out your kids for lunch!http://freecycle.org/
conveniently, christians are now throwing themselves to the lionshttp://www.votergasm.org/
dan was a patriot, but failed in his obligations. oh wellelvis and belushi team up to steal a car
hunter s thompson is still a lunatic
, but the man can string words like a demonjon stewart destroys crossfirefuck the south
. HAHAHAHAHhow to renunciate yourself
if i had $125k i would totally be rockin the caribbean islandcharge up your brainhttp://www.liegirls.com/squares
. i wantvirgin mary toast on ebay
. i want to design a toaster that intentionally burns pictures of jesus into toast. and then i will beat idiots over the head with it. i swear, catholics must have the most bored gods since ancient greece, if htey have nothing better to do than appear in someone's lunch
kate found this: mary has competition from hello kittycities vs rubes
. this person is seriously pissedsup cheap vodka
this has HELLO I AM A CHEF on it. you have no idea how excited i was to find that again. it's been a long timehttp://idealist.org/
the world mattersjohn kerry used to be in a rock banddo you have a drivers license for your lawnmower
?matrix pingponghello cousins
. why everybody is relatedthe organic food placeboa trip to india
. "Imagine feeding dal makhani and rice to joyful beggars with severe leprosy,” he said, “and having them feel heartfelt sympathy — even pity — for me, because I’m still unmarried at 32."white ninjaclever media. games.braingateson of spamthe infinite cat projectelectric bananashttp://www.heavy.com/communists for kerryyou forgot poland noise=bad. cigarettes=good.http://www.everything2.cominteresting articles and suchlikefree books
!!!SHOW TUNES 1, FUNDAMENTALISTS 0porn minus porn equals arthttp://www.mandonna.com/the picture of everythinglive-action kenyamusical vibratorhttp://www.fugaziliveseries.com/http://www.confluence.org/http://www.apologyproject.com/http://www.sorabji.com/zipcode decoderfahrenheit 911 good
/ fahrenheit 911 badLOLLERCAUSTbob saget is godmagic boob
!password creator doohickyhttp://www.gumballpoetry.com/exchange city
- a fake city which students get to run for a day. there's one in portsmouth!http://dead-baby-joke.com/robo-cowbaby soup
. you probably shouldn't look at thisbeauty kit for little girlspavement arthttp://www.foundrymusic.com/braincandy/displaymedia.cfm?id=1923pronouncing indian food
he is the radiskull
, he will kill you one by one (one by one!)
i have nothing to say about thisrobot protest
!http://dvdrewinder.com/french erotic oeuvre http://christianexodus.org/She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
love is grand
divorce is twenty grand
-godvertisementshttp://www.east-hill-farm.com/index.htmlhigh tech protestbuild-a-bushi want thiscop a feel on courtney love
|Friday, October 1st, 2004|